In 2007, I wanted to die. I wanted to grab a knife and cut my wrists or throw myself in traffic. I’m not a gruesome person, so either was a fantasy, but truth is, I did want to die. Put aside the fact that I am too much of a coward and believer in God to actually pull it off – and you get, my truth. I wanted to die because I wanted to stop hurting. Dying, seemed easier than dealing with the retardation in my emotional self.
My problems were too big for me.
I got crushed by the magnitude of the inner pain. My wounds were screaming to heal, but all I felt was the excruciating pain in my heart space.
After a heated exchange with my husband that evening in 2007, I sat against the wall of our tiny condo foyer. Crying, wishing, crying, wondering. I couldn’t figure out why, I, a fairly smart, determined, ambitious person, sat there like a little girl on the floor, my back against the white wall, hurting, crying, wishing, wondering if death would be better for me than this.
God, just kill me. Please let me die. I can’t bear it. It’s too much. I thought.
My faith was growing at the time, but in this moment, I just wanted to disappear. Part of me wanted this admittedly, to also hurt what hurt me. At the time my husband hurt me, he couldn’t meet my needs. In his defense, How could he? Neither of us could identify what they were in order to be met. I was also mad at money. Our condo cost a ton, we shouldn’t have been there, but young, naive, without mentorship and sold from a savvy realtor into booming bank loans, we made the investment – in 2007- to buy a house, dumb. I was mad at loneliness. I had to rebuild a life in Denver, as a New Jersey native who moved to this fiercely different yet beautifully sunny world of Colorado. There wasn’t anyone’s home I could just visit and be well received like in Jersey. There wasn’t anyone who knew me for years to love on me in times like these. I was alone. Death, yes, sounded sweet to me.
I didn’t have a plan, which is when someone is really serious. I wasn’t serious, only wishful thinking. I was depressed probably from the vast changes over the past year; moving cross country, getting married, changing jobs, buying a home and the marriage. It was all stressful beyond belief. Nevertheless this was as to be expected from two little kids in grown up bodies that decided to get married whimsically.
I realized I was being selfish, and self absorbed. I knew my family and friends cared about me and it would hurt them. Suicide is stupid. I’m not stupid, but why was I tormented?
Thankfully, I was planning a luncheon for my birthday. A party to bring women together that loved God. I loved to pray, I loved to hear the Word of God, I loved people and bringing them together for each to receive a blessing was my intention.
At the luncheon, a woman of God came that my husband introduced me to. He recommended her for mentorship for me. I agreed. We met and it was a lovely connection. A kindred spirit.
We started out in prayer, with about 10-12 women at one o’clock. We prayed for each woman with Holy Spirit fire and power. It was astonishing. A true party in the Spirit. I learned that I would love these kinds of parties. I was inspired to live for these style parties alone.
Suddenly it was my turn. She had spiritual eyes blazing on me. She commanded the spirit of control and suicide to leave now in the name of Jesus Christ. My soul, hunched over as I cried in shock that someone knew my secret struggle. I felt a strange separation of what felt like a rope loose itself from my chest. The enemy had wanted me dead. We ended after eight o’clock on a Sunday night. I couldn’t go to work the next day because I didn’t look like myself.
The spiritual war took place in the invisible. The dark realm had used my arrested development wounds as permission to load the gun, to knot the noose. But my God saw fit, to deliver me that moment. He saw fit to free me from that noose, that immaturity, that selfishness. He saw fit to mature me quickly, over the years to come. He had me learn about emotions, get more help, get a degree in counseling psychology, get free, then free-er, and more free-er still. Although life does still have it’s problems and troubles, I grew bigger then them all. And you can too.
You can handle whatever comes your way. When you want to die, or quit, or give up, Make the choice to grow stronger on the inside. Your trust God, and trust your own self. He saw fit to walk with you, He believes in you, you should believe too. You can trust that you can handle life and all its turns. Surrender to a very huge and faithful God.
I’ve had the blessing of praying for others to rebuke the spirit of suicide, like my dear mentor did for me that day. It works. Suicide is a spirit. A very selfish spirit, it seeks to bamboozle the blessings that await you in life, the growth, maturing, freedom that can be yours on the planet today. Should it torment you or a friend, rebuke the spirit in the Name of Jesus Christ and watch it flee.
All this to say, just because you want to die, doesn’t mean you should. It may be an invitation to grow, from the inside out. Skills are needed. Emotional Fitness Skills, coping skills, living skills. I got the help I needed to grow, with mentors, self education, and professional counseling. Now I can support others to empower their true self in life, work and relationships. This never would’ve happened, if I wasn’t here. Carry on.